1/20/16: Early Realized Passions

“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” –Benjamin Franklin

Recently, there’s been a lot of buzz over the High School Musical 10^th Anniversary Reunion. It’s very strange, because although these actors were our age in the present day, it is still as if we’ve grown up with them. I used to love Vanessa Hudgens’ music, but only when her first album came out. I’m excited by the fact that Monique Coleman still follows me on Twitter. I watched Corbin Bleu in a much more serious role on Blue Bloods, which I’ve been binging (although I didn’t realize it was him the first time I saw the episode). I’ve seen Ashley Tisdale on “Young & Hungry”, which she apparently also produces. I’m not as familiar with Zac Efron’s current work and I think it’s because I was too obsessed with him during the HSM era, so my feelings want to even that out by avoiding him altogether. Lucas Grabeel is probably the East High alum I’ve been following most because I watch “Switched at Birth”.

Now that you know how important this movie was to me, and how I’m still a fan of a couple of them, you can sense a bit of my reaction in the story which I’ve made my main point. So this was back in middle school and it was during my transition into high school. There was a children’s summer theatre program, which was separated by age: elementary schoolers in one, and middle schoolers in the other (up to 9^th grade, so I was still in the game one last time). I was in this group for the past two summers: Fiddler on the Roof and Guys and Dolls. Both my parts in those shows were very minor. I mean, I was the fourth-born daughter in Fiddler, but she had almost no lines, and in Guys, I was in the ensemble.

The year after that, they announced that they were doing High School Musical. I was so pumped because that was the one show that I knew backwards and forwards. Because I was always watching the movie anyway, I knew I could finally get a major part if I actually put forth effort this time. I recall trying to go for Gabriella since she was the female lead, but Sharpay would’ve been much more fun (and that was basically every young actress’ interpretation of casting for similar shows). In this summer program, there were no auditions. If you had your eye on a certain part, all you had to do was write down the name and, if there was a chance that you were going to be a minor character, also list them in case they didn’t pick you.

It turns out I couldn’t even attend the program any longer. I was bummed, but wanted to be adult about it. You can guess how many times I told myself, “Someone else will do High School Musical again.” Yeah. Not “You can try again next year at a high school theatre program.”

The reasoning for my missing out on HSM was because of money, I think. I just looked up the fee to participate: $430. Okay, I was going to say, “Yeah, money’s a pretty good reason, but, if it’s your passion and you want your talents to grow, then isn’t it worth it?” But our family’s not super rich. Investing $430 into a three-week camp is admittedly a little too much, although I might be saying that because the only income I ever got was $200 a month before college graduation. Now, I’ve still got no personal income (although hopefully that’ll change soon!).

I guess I still don’t completely change my stance though, no matter how much money it actually was. If you can afford to spend money on enriching your passion, it should still count as an investment. I’ve wanted to act all my life, just never really got the guts to audition for school productions because I was constantly afraid of rejection. With that theatre camp, there was no rejection. You pay the fee, it was, “Congratulations! Shine your character shoes because you’re in!”

If I remember correctly, I begged for a few minutes and then decided, “They’re the bosses. High School Musical would’ve been the best year in my short-lived acting career, but I guess it’s just not the right time.” Looking back, I think it’s because my parents never thought that I was so serious about acting. In other words, they figured that theatre was just a phase and I’d grow out of it, so the money probably went to food or the mortgage (stupid important bills that allow us to keep living comfortably, keeping us from what we want to do).

Seriously though, guys. I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in THEATRE. In order to fulfill those requirements, I had to take tons of acting classes, which eventually developed into my desire to be in a musical during my senior year, which was Carrie the Musical. Initially, I thought my strengths were in writing, so I figured, hey, writing plays might be fun. I never considered acting. Actually, I had, tons of times, but I always refused to look at audition times because I never thought of myself as an actress. Now, I have an account on Backstage.com, which is updated everyday, of audition opportunities and advice on acting, and writing for actors.

Honestly, if I’d just kept going with the acting stuff, I’m sure I would’ve gotten a major role at some point. With the school musical, my role was so minor that I was written in (although I think I was only written in because I was a senior and I had never acted with them before). Often times during rehearsals though, I felt like the outsider, just like in my regular life, so that wasn’t new. It didn’t help that my part was so small even though I knew I was capable of more. In fact, the director probably would’ve known that also, if I’d known the songs, but I wasn’t even planning on auditioning so I didn’t work with anyone on the songs. That’s why I knew zero about the play except what I’d seen in the movie version…s. I actually saw two versions and they were both remakes.

Working on Carrie though, opened my eyes on how so much like high school it was, especially since it was primarily in a high school setting. There were the popular ones just within our cast, who were in every single production, so they were the leads. They were all best friends and they already knew how everything worked. They had their own inside jokes and were even in romantic or, let’s face it, sexual relationships (except it wasn’t like “Grey’s Anatomy”). There were the kids who bonded over their smoke breaks. Then, there were the black kids—I’m not trying to sound racist, they had their own friendship going on, just them. There were even ingénues who were hanging out with the populars because they were trying to mold them, which was literally a conversation. I can’t speak for the others who didn’t quite fit in with any of these cliques either, but I definitely felt like a Carrie throughout most of the second half of working on this show: the outsider who was too shy to defend herself, but knew she was secretly capable of more. There were those kids I really wanted to be friends with, but they didn’t see your desperation as cool, so they weren’t turned on by that.

I’m not complaining about it though. Not because I’m grateful for the experience (which I still am), but there’s nobody to blame except myself. It’s like a domino effect, if you think about it, leading right back to that theatre program. My social life in the theatre world would be a lot more solid right now if I’d just gone to that audition, having a specific character in mind to portray (or at least learning about some of them) and at least going over the soundtrack over and over until I knew the bigger numbers. I didn’t even know which ones were important songs. In fact, I didn’t care about being in Carrie until a theatre classmate told me about it and asked if I wanted to audition. I went in the day of the final audition (which was also the day she told me about it) and didn’t expect to get a callback.

And why was that my attitude? Because I decided to treat college theatre like high school theatre: only the good ones get in. I never auditioned for high school productions either except I got to be one of the keyboardists for Hairspray. I got to be in the orchestra pit! The responsibility was too overwhelming though so I didn’t think they’d expect so much out of me. There was so much drama behind the scenes, but I mishandled the role, so I wasn’t invited back for The Phantom of the Opera the following year and I never blamed them.

And why was THAT my attitude? I was already an emotionally fragile, C-average student that I didn’t think I could handle not getting a callback. That’s why I didn’t think theatre my scene (hehe, get it?), no matter how much I loved show tunes. (I do recall auditioning for a community production of Les Misérables right after the Tom Hooper film was released. It was in the middle of my college career. I knew all of the people I was auditioning for and there were hundreds of auditionees. Auditioners? Audits? Problem was…the casting directors also worked with me on Hairspray. So there’s a chance that their experience with my unprofessionalism carried over after three or four years. I’m pretty sure it was my own LACK of theatre experience though.)

Anyways, so why was this my attitude about theatre in high school? I feel like it’s all connected—stemming from my lack of urgency to fight for what I wanted to do. Yes, it was $430 and we couldn’t really afford that, but wasn’t it possible to somehow make it work if it was going towards something I loved doing and hoped to do more of? I understand that I sound very selfish and unreasonable right now, but what if my theatre self was going to be a completely different person? Not just experientially, but socially? My social life was something I’ve constantly been struggling with. I could’ve (somehow) been one of the populars and performed right by their side throughout almost the entire show. (And if I wasn’t so outgoing in real life, I could just act like it.)

One last digression: Nick Robinson, who played the older brother from Jurassic World (yes, I still love him), started his acting career by being in plays and he was in his own local children’s theatre program called Broadway Bound. This was when he was 9 or 10. Then, he started getting noticed by friends of agents who referred him. He booked the agent and went out to LA auditions, which is when he landed a main role in “Melissa & Joey”. What if his parents had tried to make him quit Broadway Bound though? I’m sure his parents also tried to talk him out of the program because of money or some other issue, but he didn’t back down because he loved to act. His passion for the craft outweighed whatever “excuses” they had and circumstances have allowed him to be where he is today. In fact, today (as in, this very day), he made an appearance in the Paris premiere of The 5^th Wave. He wouldn’t be able to make that premiere if he hadn’t stood his ground and said, “I don’t want to stop doing this because this is my passion. I want to do this for real.”

Purpose: Part of being able to stack your professional résumé in your career choice is the urgency to keep doing it. If you were very lucky to have found your passion so young, you got it figured out. You know this is what you want and you’re going for it. At the same time, that also means your parents are the ones who are paying for it. That makes it their decision to keep you from going. As long as they’re paying, that means that they’re the ones calling the shots. It is YOUR life though. If they say that they can’t financially support you on this, but they say that it’s still slightly possible, then fight them on it. If it’s your passion, your dream, tell them that it’s still an investment in your future. Whether you want to act, dance, or even ice-skate, for that matter, even if this passion of yours has a reputation for being a heartbreaker and that’s why your parents want you to stop, don’t let them. If you want to do this for the rest of your life, you need to build up your experience to become a more credible figure in that field, and you can’t do that if you stop in the middle of the journey.

I suppose that’s my biggest regret: not being strong enough to voice my opinion on being in High School Musical. I still love to act, but I don’t have enough confidence to get out there. I had to rely on senior pity: “This is your last year so if you want to be in this show, you be in it!” If I’d been in HSM, I could’ve gotten Carrie last year. Or Sue Snell or—no, not Chris Hargensen. Either way, I wouldn’t be where I am now: looking for jobs not even close to the theatre range, and struggling to find out how professional acting even works. All I can think of is constant community theatre or look for an agent myself if they won’t go to your performances. Think of me as a cautionary tale, folks. I’m not acting, which doesn’t make me completely happy, and I’m giving the HSM event 75% of the blame. If you have the chance, take it.

Sarah W.

12/21/15: Irrational Thoughts

At the start of my depressive episode, it was initially about the fact that Nick Robinson (Zach from “Jurassic World”) had a girlfriend. I made the mistake of checking how legit the info was. As with any regular crush, I got jealous seeing him “grinding on” the same girl he’d been going swimming with. As grateful as I was that he was private about his personal life, I wasn’t as big a fan of whoever ends up posting those photos. (And it doesn’t help that she’s known as this Instagram model or something.) It was like the life that they have together—the life I wanted—was being flaunted in my face, and any other girl out there who wanted to be his girlfriend.

I know that my jealousy tends to be irrational, no matter how reasonable other people say it is. I mean, I’m always making a big deal out of my celebrity crushes and the girls they hang out with. Then again, what kind of jealousy IS rational? That’s why I think having a constant reminder of how straight your mind should be, would really help you maintain your sanity when your mind wanders to that place.

Last night, I looked up if Nick still had that girlfriend since she’s probably stuck in L.A. and he goes to N.Y.U. Being a celebrity college student, I predicted he’d be the partier he was back in L.A. I know it’s none of my business, but there are some things you just gotta know or else you can’t sleep. All I saw were the old photos (which still stirred up some uneasy feelings in my stomach), so all I could guess was that they could still be together or not. We just don’t know. We can only tell ourselves what we want to hear.

But you see how jealous I get? That’s my one irrational flaw. That’s why I’m going to write myself a letter to remind myself that feeling this way is internal and only hurts me. My logical straight-headed self has to teach my irrational, jealous side that I probably have a .01% chance with any celebrity in general, who definitely doesn’t know I exist. That they have their own lives and their own minds.

Purpose: You’ll know when you have irrational fears or anger or jealousy. It’s up to your logical mind to set yourself straight. Only you know the right words to add reason to your troubled mind. The only way you can be reminded of your irrational state-of-mind is if you write yourself a letter to keep your head in line. If you’re not much of a writer or letters just aren’t your thing, at least create a list—anything to make sure you don’t forget to be reasonable, causing this undesirable, negative outlook on your life. That way, whenever your mind gets back to that place (for me, when I think about Nick and this girlfriend of his), read the letter or the list and the reminder will bring you comfort. No really.

I may not have done this for Nick yet, but I created a list of legitimate reasons why I shouldn’t go back to my on-again/off-again boyfriend. Actual reasons why it wouldn’t work out with him. Whenever I feel like crawling back to him, I read the list and say, “No…there are other men out there whom I’d have none of these issues with. Save yourself for them.”

Sarah W.

A Daily Purpose (11/22/15)

“I’m trying.”

I was never diagnosed with depression. In fact, I know I’m not depressed. The only experience I’ve ever had with it is my deep funk a couple months ago. At first, it was because my celebrity crush of the time had a girlfriend and it seemed that she was showing it off to the world through her Instagram and Vine. I mean, I was okay with it at first until she showed a photo of a diamond ring on a very important finger of hers, and she said they were married and off on their honeymoon. Even after looking up articles about this, coming up with zero legitimate sources, I knew that it wasn’t true, since the only people talking about it were tabloids, which are utter BS.

Now, if I were you, the first thing I’d be thinking is, “That’s why you got so depressed? Just because some famous guy you like got married?” Usually, I wouldn’t get so upset by something like that, but eventually this depressive episode merged into my mind punishing me for not having a career even after college. (As of this moment, that’s still the case, but I’m back to having my usual “it’s okay, I’ll eventually figure it out” attitudes.)

To those of you who know who I am, you know that I really do get DEEPLY obsessed with my celebrity crushes. It’s been like this ever since 7th grade and it’s never been a harmless crush either. No, it’s actually a really obsessive infatuation over celebrities I’ve never even met. I remember my first two guys though. Ahh, Jesse McCartney and Hayden Christensen, my first loves. One of these days, I’ll tell you how bad it is. Here’s a little glimpse of it though: when I’m “talking” to these guys, I usually mouth my words to them and just imagine them there. My mind is aware that I’m just staring at my drawers, but my heart wishes they were actually there. Or…something.

During my episode, I’d always be saying to Nick Robinson, “I’m trying”, thinking that, in order to comfort me, he’s telling me nicely to get over it. To move past the idea, telling me that she’s just being funny. And then, he’d go back to beingmy boyfriend ;). I repeated, “I’m trying” whenever my mind wandered to them doing stuff to each other, thinking he’s saying, “Get used to it. Stop thinking about it and move past it. You’ll be fine if you just let go.” (In case you haven’t noticed, even when I’m alone, I’m a very dramatic person. Thanks for that, Netflix!)

“I’m trying.” Somehow, saying that kept my mind from going any deeper into the horrible images that flashed in my head. Oh, and it didn’t help that I had a dream that they were filming a sex tape and were making me watch it, so that was fun. As if what my mind was already picturing wasn’t bad enough, my subconscious decided to take a crack at adding to my trauma.

After one day, my depressive episode morphed into self-deprecation. It started with the knowledge that Nick was social and going to parties, meeting this girl because he was so famous. Because of all this, that’s how he got there, seemingly spending so much time with her, getting closer to her, hoping this could become something more, which was everything I wanted. Not necessarily with Nick–I’m more realistic than that–but I’m in love with romance. (If you don’t know who he is, you’ve probably at least seen “Jurassic World”. Nick played the older brother, Zach. After the release of such a popular film, hisown popularity with the girls probably boomed as well. That’s why my brain was like, “You know, that could be you right now, if you just apply yourself.”)

(I just realized I could probably write a short story based on the one line “I’m trying” because it could mean so many different things, just like the situation I’m describing in this entry. First, it could start out to be about a stupid little thing and then it could become a response to something deeper. Sorry, I’m used to writing my creative journal entries on my other blog, so I write out all my thoughts as I go.)

The “I’m trying” started becoming more about my trying to feel better about my own life. At first, I thought it was because I was trying to look for jobs or at least trying to figure out the next step of my life. To be frank though, all I do is watch Netflix on my laptop and, if I remember, update the Daily Purposes. I’m not even trying to look for a short-term job and I have, like, $60 in my bank account. Total. (I’m relying on getting Christmas money although it’d be small of me to ask for it.)

How did I know I was actually depressed? A close friend of mine who deals with his own depression every single day. I had an inkling that this was what depression was, but I didn’t want to tell people, especially him, that I thought I was depressed. The problem with that word is people throw it around so much that I think the meaning has sort of worn down. That’s why I was so careful about saying the words, “I’m depressed.” The whole time, I just told myself that it was just a funk. That I wasn’t actually depressed. Just sadder than usual, which is a real thing anyway. You just have moments when you’re sad about nothing in particular because it’s just the mood you’re in.

Before this, I always thought that depression in general was just a phase. “Just occupy yourself with something you love to do,” I’d always tell people as if I were an expert at happiness. “After a few minutes, you’ll get over it.” It’s definitely not like that. As much as you really want to be able to enjoy things, you’re just not motivated enough. In fact, since it’s such a struggle, you actually mentally applaud yourself for even getting out of your room or wherever it is you’re stuck. You think, “Why is it so hard for me to be downstairs, right now? It’s no different from any other day I’m down here.” It’s more than just a mood. You just feel like your life is falling apart even though nothing’s changed (most of the time). That’s the difficulty when your mental stability is just…unplugged, I guess…from the rest of the world.

I know I’m lucky when it comes to mental illness, even with this one funk I went through a while ago. I know that other people have it way worse than I do. This isn’t a competition, I know that, but I don’t want to be seen as this strong individual who’s never had to deal with anything like that. I’m not strong though, because I don’t have to be. I don’t deal with this feeling everyday. I’m back to my regular self, content with my life as an unemployed 22-year-old (even though I probably shouldn’t be, if I wanna get anywhere in life). I was strong for those few days when my mind refused to let me leave my room. My strength was in repeating the words “I’m trying”. I didn’t feel any better saying it, but I still kept on saying it, for some reason.

I thought those words were about trying to wait this out, or trying to finally get past it. What it ended up meaning was “I’m trying to find ways to feel better.” But I knew that it didn’t mean much till I actually tried to find a way to get back to my normal life. I guess “I’m trying” was just a way for me to convince myself that I was not okay. It was a way to keep me hanging on to the idea that Iwill heal, until I finally did something about it.

Purpose: When you find yourself in one of these depressive episodes (you’re human, so I know you will), and your mind keeps wandering to things that you know would just destroy you, keep repeating “I’m trying.” The second half of that sentence varies, so it’s up to you to figure it out, but even if you’re just saying, “I’m trying”, it’s a lot better than laying in bed and, well, not even trying.

Sarah W.

And, just so you know, if you do find yourself in this situation, please come to me and ask for advice or words of encouragement. It’s completely anonymous and I always answer my Tumblr mail. I may have only been though that episode once, but it’s really changed the way I see mental illness, which is ironic, because I’ve always tried to learn what I can about it. My favorite musical isNext to Normal, for crying out loud. I guess no matter how much research you do, you can never fully understand it, unless you experience it yourself.

After I stopped saying, “I’m trying”, I actually tried by grasping for ways to find some kind of therapy. If my advice columnist self told my personal self what to do, the first thing would’ve been to talk to someone about it. I don’t have a lot of friends, but I have at least a thousand Facebook friends. I wrote a status that said, “Hey, I need a friend to lean on right now. Will someone be able to be a good listener for a while?” The usual Facebook friends I talk to, who I never thought really would understand, responded. There was also one person who I’ve never met officially, but I know goes to the college I just recently graduated from. She was the one who told me exactly what I needed to hear.

So that’s another lesson too, I guess, if we’re staying on the subject of what to do when depression hits you out of nowhere like this (I guess that’s the only way it knows how to hit you, that rat bastard): even if you don’t think your friends will understand what you’re going through, there will be at least a few people who know exactly how it feels. That way, they can also share their own personal experiences so you won’t feel so alone in it, because you’re not. If there’s anything you need in times like that, you need SUPPORT. So accept all the help you can get, even from someone you barely know. It’s amazing what that one stranger can do to help you through this. 🙂

A Daily Purpose (11/16/15)

Have you ever noticed in those movies about long journeys, it’s the trek itself that helps change the protagonist? It’s as if they use that time that the director cuts out, to let their characters’ minds wander freely, which includes thoughts of self-reflection. The example I have off the top of my head is Zach Mitchell from “Jurassic World”. At the beginning, you hear his mom say that whenever he’s with his brother, “he can be so mean”. Then, as the boys stick together to try to get back to the resort, it’s as if they finally became brothers. I think that’s because Zach started treating Gray like an equal, because he realized that he has to rely on Gray just as much as Gray relies on him. I think he used the walk from the waterfall to the first Jurassic Park Visitor’s Center for some self-reflection, because that’s when it became more apparent that Zach would do anything to protect his brother. I’m thinking that he even thought of that ghost anecdote during the hike rather than it being an impromptu response to Gray’s fears in that truck.

Look at “The Lord of the Rings” and “The Hobbit” trilogies as two separate journeys and all those character change. They become stronger and learn from mistakes they’ve made along the way. They all live happily ever after (I only assume this for “The Hobbit” since I haven’t seen the last film or read the books), because they know what’s going to make themselves happy, after much self-deliberation on the road.

Purpose: If you find some time to go for a walk outside, without listening to music or texting your boyfriend, absorb the fact that you’re in nature right now. (Zach left his phone back at the broken hamster ball so he had no choice but to be exposed to nature. Hehehe looks like that Indominus Rex was good for something.) It’s important to actually listen to what your natural environment has to say rather than block it out with headphones so you can be in your own little world. I considered leaving my headphones for my walk tomorrow because I’m honestly getting a little sick of listening to the same songs over and over again. Plus, distractions like that can make you lose touch with other people if they want to communicate with you. Keep your phone on you for emergencies, and just maybe forget to leave your headphones behind and see what happens.

Sarah W.